it's like being stuck in a rut but it's not

it's a horrible feeling. like there's so much energy inside you wanting to just burst out, making you want to run down a hill during the rain, screaming your lungs out with your arms spread wide but all you can do, all you want to do is lie in bed and under the covers and wish for the world to end. all you can think of is "i don't want this anymore" and "i can't do this anymore" and you want to quit everything because no matter how hard you try there isn't anything for you. you have a thankless job. a thankless life. but you spoil the people you love anyway because you love them and because you really don't care if the bus you ride on the way home runs off a bridge and into the river or if a crazed thief stabs you in the gut for your near-empty purse but at least it's you and not someone you love. it's horrible to even think of it and you hate yourself for it but you're stuck at the bottom with no way up and the panic attacks just keep happening and you just can't do this anymore.

you've run out of tears and there's no where to hide. you try to cheer yourself up but it doesn't even work.

it's like the whole world is against your happiness.

and you just want it to






end